The In-Laws and the Rules...

    Accepting and fitting into your spouse’s family is an interesting topic for me. This has been a challenge in my marriage.  I loved this quote from Harper and Olsen’s “Creating Healthy Ties with in-laws and Extended Families”, “Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge.  Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.”  I feel that I have had to use all of these techniques with my husband’s family!  Don’t get me wrong, I love them, it has just been difficult.  I have had to deal with situations that were unfamiliar to me and my upbringing.  The thing that has helped me most has been prayer.  I pray every day to love them and to be able to understand them.  The spirit has been with me and helped me with this.  I have also learned that it is just as important to spend time with my husband’s family as it is to spend time with my own.  We have actually been able to combined some family gatherings so both families are in attendance. 

    Being married and creating our own set of family rules was an interesting challenge as well.  We definitely had some different ideas on how certain aspects of our family should go.  With prayer and compromise we have been able to set up family rules that we are both happy with.  We occasionally still have disagreements, but the basic rules are in place.  We do have explicit rules on our refrigerator in the form of our family mission statement.  These are known rules that we choose to live by as a family.  This statement has been a very helpful tool in our family.  We came up with it together, so we all agreed on its contents.  Of course we also have nonverbal rules that we strive to teach our children by our actions.  

That We May Be One...

 I loved President Eyeing's talk, "That We May Be One".  If both spouses are keeping the spirit with them and focusing there lives around the Savior, they are one in purpose.  As we are one in purpose we work together more harmoniously.  President Eyring also talked about how breaking commandments can destroy our unity.  It is hard to have a successful marriage without unity.  I have a friend who was married in the temple, but her husband went through a period of time when he decided that he was not going to pay tithing.  This was so hard for my friend.  She still kept this commandment and her husband did not.  they were not able to attend the temple together.  this caused a major break in their unity as a couple.  Striving to keep the commandments together and creating a similar purpose will stregthen our unity.

   I can see the wisdon in councils.  Growing up, my family had family home evening on Monday nights and on Sunday nights we had family council.  During our family council we would go over the "business" side of our family unit.  What activities were on the calendar, what projects are due for school, who needs a ride, ect.  I loved our family council meetings just as much as our family home evenings.  Our council meetings helped to keep us focused and to be aware of what the other members of our family had going on.  Now, I have also had the opportunity to participate in ward councils.  what a great experience this has been.  keeping every quorum of the ward on the same page.  Making sure that noone falls through the cracks.  I love that the church puts such importance on this idea of counciling together.  

Intimacy and Fidelity

Intimacy in marriage is a key component.  Knowing this, still many couples struggle in this area.  This week we read many articles and quotes on intimacy.  In a talk by Brent A. Barlow titled, “They Twain Shall Be One:  Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage”, he talked about how in order to “know each other physically, couples need to talk together about the physical dimensions of their relationship”.  While these subjects feel very sacred and sometimes uncomfortable, it is important to communicate with our spouses about our physical relationships.  I know in my own marriage, my husband and I found ourselves on totally different pages where this was concerned.  For over a year, it was an area of contention and argument.  We finally sat down and talked about it.  We were both so surprised by how each other was feeling.  Once we talked about it, and understood each other’s desires and needs, things were much better. 

                We also read some articles on fidelity in marriage.  There was a story written by a student that really touched me.  She talked about a male friend in her life with whom she looked forward to seeing.  She realized that she was in the beginning stages of being unfaithful.  This really scared me.  I work with men, and associate with men in my role at my daughter’s school and this made me think, am I talking to anyone too much?  Or confiding in someone too much?  Recently a friend of mine went through a divorce.  They were a great couple, married in the temple, her husband was the Elders Quorum president.  They often went out with another couple, also members of the church.  Without her knowing, her husband and this other woman, started talking outside of going out as couples.  Soon, he was telling her that he was in love with this other woman.  I was so shocked.  Now their three daughters are suffering, and two eternal marriages were broken. We need to be so careful with how we act with other adults that are not our spouses.  Satan knows how to trick us and he will take advantage of otherwise innocent relationships.

                In a talk by Kenneth Matheson, he proposed several questions to consider.  A couple of these were:  Are you turning to a friend rather than your spouse for comfort?  Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when at home?  Do you compare your spouse to your friend?  These questions are great tools in keeping yourself on track in your relationship.  We need to be true to our spouses.  Our relationships wont thrive if our minds are somewhere else.

Finding Charity in Your Marriage

Great reading this week.  I was really touched by the spirit as I read Goddard’s chapter on charity.  I loved what he shared from Elder Max Caldwell of the Seventy.  He said that, “The phrase ‘love of Christ’ might have meaning in three dimensions:  Love for Christ, Love from Christ, and Love like Christ.”  I love this, and it is so true.  As love and learn about Christ, we gain such a powerful love from Him.  Because we know Him and feel of His love, we are more likely to love like Him.  I feel that sometimes I am not showing true charity towards my spouse.  If I was, I would not pick out his faults or shortcomings, I would look over them and just love him.  I know that this is an area that I need to work on in my marriage.  I love what Goddard said after sharing the amazing story of John Glenn and his wife.  He said, “Instead of inconvenience and irritations, some see goodness and blessings.”  If everyone could understand this and understand the true meaning of charity, I believe there would be more successful relationships.

       Finally, at the end of the chapter the scripture 1 John 4:19 was referenced.  It reads, “We love him, because he first loved us.”  Then Goddard says, “Our partners will love us because we love them.  Don’t wait to be loved.”  This is so powerful to me.  I am constantly saying to myself that I would be better if my husband would do this better.  I can’t wait for that; I should love him now.  I just really loved that!

      In the final chapter of Gottman’s book, I loved the magic six hours.  Gottman talks about devoting six hours a week to your marriage.  He offers six simple activities that can be done each week as a refresher course to his book.  I just love this.  I plan on doing these steps each week with my husband.  The one that stood out the most to me was the “state of the union meeting”.  Taking an hour each week to discuss the positives and any problems that are occurring in your relationship.  I feel like this is going to foster good communication and really help to strengthen my marriage.  

Conflicts in Marriage

This week we read a couple chapters in Gottman’s book on the types of problems in marriage.  Gottman puts marital conflicts into two categories:  perpetual and solvable.  I found this very interesting.  Perpetual problems are problems that may never change; which means we have to find a way to accept and deal with them.  Gottman said that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual, about 69%.  Wow, I found that statistic a little scary.  If we as couples do not learn how to deal with these perpetual problems, our chance of divorce goes up.

            I was thinking about my marriage and some of the perpetual conflicts that my husband and I have had.  I am not a great cleaner, I love to make piles!  My husband hates piles.  He likes things clean.  We have never seen eye to eye on this and have fought about it often.  Recently we decided that we needed to figure out a way to accept each other’s differences on this.  Now we laugh at my piles, and I try to have less piles.  My husband has learned to help me with my piles!

            I loved Gottman’s chapter on solving our solvable problems.  Having good steps to resolving conflicts is a great tool.  Gottman entailed five steps as a model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship.  The steps are as follows:  1. Soften your start-up, 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts, 3. Soothe yourself and each other, 4. Compromise, and 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.  I think the one I need to work on the most is soft start-ups.  I tend to get heated rather quickly, and when it starts heated it escalates even quicker.  Keeping criticism and contempt out of the start-up is necessary and difficult at times.  I tried tonight to use a soft start-up.  I had a long day, and a stake meeting tonight.  I got home and the dinner was still on the table with all the crusty dishes.  I wanted to go upstairs and yell at my husband.  Instead I calmly walked upstairs and asked my husband if he night went ok.  He said no, the kids were upset and he had two emergency work calls he had to deal with.  He then apologized for not getting to the dinner dishes.  I felt so much better.  This soft start-up really works!

            We are all going to have conflicts in our relationships.  Learning how to handle them is definitely the key!

Pride

            After Studying this week’s readings, the thing that really resonated with me was pride.  I can see how pride can be a problem in a marriage.  I can see how I personally have let pride affect my relationships.  I loved what Goddard said about the marker of pride.  He said, “God has graciously given each of us an early warning system.  When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs to heaven.  We are guilty of pride.”  Wow!  The part that really hit me was, “…we have our backs towards heaven.”   I do not want to have my back towards heaven.  I could literally think of 20 times that I was irked at my husband this week alone! 

            So what do we do to change that behavior.  The world would have us focusing on loving ourselves and fixing others.  What we are supposed to do is to fix ourselves and love others.  Loving others requires sacrifice and service.  I remember a time early in my marriage when I felt so annoyed with everything my husband was doing.  My bishop’s wife was a close family friend that had known me since I was born.  She came by one day to visit and I asked her if she ever felt mad at her husband.  She laughed and exclaimed, “yes”!  She said that when she was annoyed with him she would immediately do something to serve him.  That has stayed with me since then.  It is really hard to do sometimes.  When you are being selfless and serving someone else, the annoyance disappears and love takes its place. 

            I have decided that for the rest of this week, I am going to serve my husband every time I am upset or annoyed with him.  Even if it is a small act, I think it will really help.  I am excited to see what happens!

Turning Towards One Another

Great readings this week!  I especially love Gottman's soncept of turning toward each other.  I completely relate to the two obstacles that he talked about to turning toward each other.  The first obstacle is "missing" a bid because it's wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.  This is so common.  When all I really want is to connect to my spouse, but my emotions turn it into an angry statement.  This usually leads to an angrier rebute from my spouse.  I think what we need to learn from this is to think before we speak.  Think about what we are really needing, think about what we are going to say and how the other might reapond, and think about taking a minute to calm down before speaking.  Sounds so easy!  NOT!!!  It is definitely doable, and something I can work on.  The second obstacle is being distracted by the wired world.  This is so funny, I was just saying to my husband, we need to be completely electronic free at night.  The other night at dinner I had one daughter on her Ipad, one daughter on her gaming device, my husband watching the television, and I was checking my emails on my phone.  So pathentic!!!  This should be our time to look at one another and talk to one another about our days.  Last weekend we were on our date night at a nice resturaunt, I looked around at all the people and realized way more than half of them were on a cell phone!  How sad.  We have almost completely given up on talking to each other.  It is easy to see how these obstacles can stand in the way of turning toward each other.

     I also loved reading the chapter from Goddard's book about having faith in Christ.  Putting God first and having faith in Christ, gives us an eteranal perspective.  I loved the quote from President Ezra Taft Benson, "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of their lives".  Wow!  could it be that easy!  Yes, it is.  When we strive to live a Christlike life, we are progressing and perfecting ourselves.  while doing this our relationships benefit, and grow.  We learn to look outward and be less selfish.  This is a way to a successful relationship.  

Do I Really "Know" My Husband?

Do You Really “Know” Your Spouse?

     In reading Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, I have learned so much.  I loved the readings this week.  We learned about enhancing our love maps.  Having a love map means that as a couple you are both intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I love when Gottman said, “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?  No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know”.” 

     It seems so simple, when I first thought about it I thought, well, of course I know my spouse!  As I continued to read and did a few of the exercises that went along with it, I realized, I could know him better.  In this knowledge, there is strength.  Gottman said, “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict”.  By really knowing our spouses, we can increase the success of our marriage.  That is great!  It really feels great to know that your spouse knows you and understands you!  I am going to take the time to ask my husband some important questions about his life.  I am really going to listen and understand him.

     We also read in Gottman’s book about nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouses.  Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.”  If you are always trying to think of the positive qualities that your spouse has then even when there are flaws, they will seem less bothersome.  In order to cultivate this fondness and admiration, it is important to look for the small and simple things that your spouse does and communicate your appreciation for those things.  Tonight I was trying to finish my reading and homework.  I had put my daughters in the bath, my husband came home from work and came right upstairs and finished giving the bath, so I could finish my homework.  Having this concept on my mind, I immediately said thank you to him for helping me.  He smiled and said he was happy to do it!  It felt great!  I can see where this will help in my relationship.

     Getting to know our spouses and finding and cultivating a fondness and admiration for them will help to strengthen our marriages.

The Plan...

  I really enjoyed the readings from Goddard's book.  I do beleive that marriage is part of Gods plan.  I love when he said, "We will only suceed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become moreof what God has invited us to become.  Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character."  I have always felt that when my husband and I are really following the Lord's commandments and doing all the things we are taught to do, we are happier as a couple.  Just last weekend we were on our date night, and we were talking about how we have not been seeing eye to eye on several things.  We had been arguing more than normal.  We agreed that we needed to be better with our temple attendance, and that we had been missing several days of scripture reading.  When we are closer to the Lord, we carry that spirit with us and into our relationship.

 

  I also found the Gottman reading very interesting.  In the introduction, Gottman talked about the defense mechanisms we learned to use as a child and how we tend to continue to use these in our marriages.  I sat down with my husband and went over the items on the list.  We were both surprised by how many we could remember using just in the last couple days.  

 

  We also realized how important our friendship is to our marriage.  We have been married for twnety years, and we are genuinly best friends.  We were best friends before we were boyfriend and girlfeiend.  We feel lucky that we have maintained that friendship throughout our marriage.  We really so like each other!

Eternally Ever After...

Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to God’s plan.  An eternal, or covenant marriage is therefore of the upmost importance.  In my readings this week, I really loved the talk from Elder Bednar titled, “Marriage is Essential to His Plan”.   Elder Bednar said, “Righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship that can be perpetuated beyond the grave.”  Last week, my sister’s husband passed away suddenly.  They had been married for a short seven weeks.  This has been extremely difficult.  The one thing that is getting my sister through this is the knowledge that she was sealed to her husband in the temple and will be with him again.  Keeping our families together forever is the only way. 

                As we work on our eternal marriages there are many pitfalls that we must look out for and avoid.  Elder Bruce Hafen talked about three of these pitfalls in his talk, “Covenant Marriage”.  He called them the three wolves.  These three wolves are natural adversity, our own imperfections, and the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes.  In my opinion the greatest challenge today is excessive individualism.  We live in a world where the traditional family is being broken down and even put down.  I sometimes feel like one might get teased for having a mom and a dad that are married! The norms have shifted so much.  It seems as though the world has given up on marriage and families.

                Teaching our children in the home from the very beginning is so important.  Being aware of these wolves as a couple and being able to communicate and talk about problems is key.  As long as we stay close to the Lord and keep or testimonies strong, we can be eternal families. 

The Desensitized Public

The Desensitized Public

There are many challenges facing the institution of marriage today.  The biggest challenge is the fight to change the definition of marriage which is the lawful union of a man and a woman.  Marriage is a sacred ordinance and is ordained of God.  In the article, The Divine Institution of Marriage, it states, “For millennia, strong families have served as the fundamental institution for transmitting to future generations the moral strengths, traditions, and values that sustain civilization”.  This statement was so powerful to me, and scary at the same time.  We as a nation are becoming desensitized to the reality of the importance of families.  In the video of Jennifer Roback Morse’s testimony in Rhode Island regarding redefining marriage and children, she pointed out that this could create a situation for children where there is contract parenting and a child could have four legal parents.  There would no longer be a child that needs a mother and a father bonded by marriage.

In the article, The Overhauling of Straight America, we learn that there are steps being taken by the gays and gay rights groups to desensitize America into believing that marriage does need to be redefined.  One of these steps is to talk about gays and gayness as loudly and as often as possible.  In this article it states, “…almost any behavior begins to look normal if you are exposed to enough of ot at close quarters and among your acquaintances”.  I have found this to be true.  We hear from them endlessly.  The media and news is often focused on these groups. 

Another step is to portray gays as victims.  Making people feel like they had no choice or that they are victims of society.  Americans feel the need to take on the role of the protector.  While I know this is a very sensitive subject, I do believe that these things are happening in the world today.  It is good to be aware and have this knowledge.  I know that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman.  It is ordained of God from the beginning of time.  Families are an important unit in our societies and we must stand up for them and protect them.

According to The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012; The National Marriage Project, 40-50% of first marriages are likely to end in divorce.  This is a scary statistic.  Views on marriage have changed drastically over the past years.  Reading the materials for this week really got me thinking about my marriage and what I need to do to not be in that 40-50%. 

Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave an interesting talk titled, “Divorce”.  In this talk, Elder Oaks eluded to some things to avoid in order to keep your marriage healthy.  Elder Oaks says, “Often the cause [of divorce] is not incompatibility but selfishness.”  I can see where selfishness could be a problem.  We live in a world where one of the main themes is “it’s all about me”.  It seems that it is less and less about what can I do for you, and more about what can you do for me.  In a marriage you have to be willing to serve your spouse and put their needs above your own.  I remember a time when I was struggling to “love” my husband.  I asked our bishops wife if she ever felt that way about her husband.  She told me that of course she had times when she felt this way.  And in those times she would find a way to serve her husband, and soon her love would return.  I never forgot that comment. 

Elder Oaks also mentions that we need to be careful that our hearts are not hardened.  For me, this would mean that we better be have personal and couple’s prayer.  Temple attendance on a regular basis is crucial.  Keeping our spirit strong and faithful can help to ensure that our hearts will not harden.

Elder Oaks warned against bringing up past disagreements.  He said, “Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again.  In a relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine.”  In my opinion, this is one of the hardest things to do.  To truly forgive, we must let it go and not keep bringing the past up. 

One of my favorite quotes from Elder Oaks was, “…the remedy is not divorce but repentance.”  I believe that humbling ourselves, staying close to the Lord, and serving each other will help to strengthen our marriages.