Pride

            After Studying this week’s readings, the thing that really resonated with me was pride.  I can see how pride can be a problem in a marriage.  I can see how I personally have let pride affect my relationships.  I loved what Goddard said about the marker of pride.  He said, “God has graciously given each of us an early warning system.  When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs to heaven.  We are guilty of pride.”  Wow!  The part that really hit me was, “…we have our backs towards heaven.”   I do not want to have my back towards heaven.  I could literally think of 20 times that I was irked at my husband this week alone! 

            So what do we do to change that behavior.  The world would have us focusing on loving ourselves and fixing others.  What we are supposed to do is to fix ourselves and love others.  Loving others requires sacrifice and service.  I remember a time early in my marriage when I felt so annoyed with everything my husband was doing.  My bishop’s wife was a close family friend that had known me since I was born.  She came by one day to visit and I asked her if she ever felt mad at her husband.  She laughed and exclaimed, “yes”!  She said that when she was annoyed with him she would immediately do something to serve him.  That has stayed with me since then.  It is really hard to do sometimes.  When you are being selfless and serving someone else, the annoyance disappears and love takes its place. 

            I have decided that for the rest of this week, I am going to serve my husband every time I am upset or annoyed with him.  Even if it is a small act, I think it will really help.  I am excited to see what happens!

Turning Towards One Another

Great readings this week!  I especially love Gottman's soncept of turning toward each other.  I completely relate to the two obstacles that he talked about to turning toward each other.  The first obstacle is "missing" a bid because it's wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.  This is so common.  When all I really want is to connect to my spouse, but my emotions turn it into an angry statement.  This usually leads to an angrier rebute from my spouse.  I think what we need to learn from this is to think before we speak.  Think about what we are really needing, think about what we are going to say and how the other might reapond, and think about taking a minute to calm down before speaking.  Sounds so easy!  NOT!!!  It is definitely doable, and something I can work on.  The second obstacle is being distracted by the wired world.  This is so funny, I was just saying to my husband, we need to be completely electronic free at night.  The other night at dinner I had one daughter on her Ipad, one daughter on her gaming device, my husband watching the television, and I was checking my emails on my phone.  So pathentic!!!  This should be our time to look at one another and talk to one another about our days.  Last weekend we were on our date night at a nice resturaunt, I looked around at all the people and realized way more than half of them were on a cell phone!  How sad.  We have almost completely given up on talking to each other.  It is easy to see how these obstacles can stand in the way of turning toward each other.

     I also loved reading the chapter from Goddard's book about having faith in Christ.  Putting God first and having faith in Christ, gives us an eteranal perspective.  I loved the quote from President Ezra Taft Benson, "when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of their lives".  Wow!  could it be that easy!  Yes, it is.  When we strive to live a Christlike life, we are progressing and perfecting ourselves.  while doing this our relationships benefit, and grow.  We learn to look outward and be less selfish.  This is a way to a successful relationship.  

Do I Really "Know" My Husband?

Do You Really “Know” Your Spouse?

     In reading Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, I have learned so much.  I loved the readings this week.  We learned about enhancing our love maps.  Having a love map means that as a couple you are both intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I love when Gottman said, “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?  No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know”.” 

     It seems so simple, when I first thought about it I thought, well, of course I know my spouse!  As I continued to read and did a few of the exercises that went along with it, I realized, I could know him better.  In this knowledge, there is strength.  Gottman said, “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict”.  By really knowing our spouses, we can increase the success of our marriage.  That is great!  It really feels great to know that your spouse knows you and understands you!  I am going to take the time to ask my husband some important questions about his life.  I am really going to listen and understand him.

     We also read in Gottman’s book about nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouses.  Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.”  If you are always trying to think of the positive qualities that your spouse has then even when there are flaws, they will seem less bothersome.  In order to cultivate this fondness and admiration, it is important to look for the small and simple things that your spouse does and communicate your appreciation for those things.  Tonight I was trying to finish my reading and homework.  I had put my daughters in the bath, my husband came home from work and came right upstairs and finished giving the bath, so I could finish my homework.  Having this concept on my mind, I immediately said thank you to him for helping me.  He smiled and said he was happy to do it!  It felt great!  I can see where this will help in my relationship.

     Getting to know our spouses and finding and cultivating a fondness and admiration for them will help to strengthen our marriages.

The Plan...

  I really enjoyed the readings from Goddard's book.  I do beleive that marriage is part of Gods plan.  I love when he said, "We will only suceed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become moreof what God has invited us to become.  Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character."  I have always felt that when my husband and I are really following the Lord's commandments and doing all the things we are taught to do, we are happier as a couple.  Just last weekend we were on our date night, and we were talking about how we have not been seeing eye to eye on several things.  We had been arguing more than normal.  We agreed that we needed to be better with our temple attendance, and that we had been missing several days of scripture reading.  When we are closer to the Lord, we carry that spirit with us and into our relationship.

 

  I also found the Gottman reading very interesting.  In the introduction, Gottman talked about the defense mechanisms we learned to use as a child and how we tend to continue to use these in our marriages.  I sat down with my husband and went over the items on the list.  We were both surprised by how many we could remember using just in the last couple days.  

 

  We also realized how important our friendship is to our marriage.  We have been married for twnety years, and we are genuinly best friends.  We were best friends before we were boyfriend and girlfeiend.  We feel lucky that we have maintained that friendship throughout our marriage.  We really so like each other!