Do I Really "Know" My Husband?

Do You Really “Know” Your Spouse?

     In reading Dr. John M. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, I have learned so much.  I loved the readings this week.  We learned about enhancing our love maps.  Having a love map means that as a couple you are both intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I love when Gottman said, “Without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse.  And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?  No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to “know”.” 

     It seems so simple, when I first thought about it I thought, well, of course I know my spouse!  As I continued to read and did a few of the exercises that went along with it, I realized, I could know him better.  In this knowledge, there is strength.  Gottman said, “Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict”.  By really knowing our spouses, we can increase the success of our marriage.  That is great!  It really feels great to know that your spouse knows you and understands you!  I am going to take the time to ask my husband some important questions about his life.  I am really going to listen and understand him.

     We also read in Gottman’s book about nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouses.  Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.”  If you are always trying to think of the positive qualities that your spouse has then even when there are flaws, they will seem less bothersome.  In order to cultivate this fondness and admiration, it is important to look for the small and simple things that your spouse does and communicate your appreciation for those things.  Tonight I was trying to finish my reading and homework.  I had put my daughters in the bath, my husband came home from work and came right upstairs and finished giving the bath, so I could finish my homework.  Having this concept on my mind, I immediately said thank you to him for helping me.  He smiled and said he was happy to do it!  It felt great!  I can see where this will help in my relationship.

     Getting to know our spouses and finding and cultivating a fondness and admiration for them will help to strengthen our marriages.