Conflicts in Marriage

This week we read a couple chapters in Gottman’s book on the types of problems in marriage.  Gottman puts marital conflicts into two categories:  perpetual and solvable.  I found this very interesting.  Perpetual problems are problems that may never change; which means we have to find a way to accept and deal with them.  Gottman said that the majority of marital conflicts are perpetual, about 69%.  Wow, I found that statistic a little scary.  If we as couples do not learn how to deal with these perpetual problems, our chance of divorce goes up.

            I was thinking about my marriage and some of the perpetual conflicts that my husband and I have had.  I am not a great cleaner, I love to make piles!  My husband hates piles.  He likes things clean.  We have never seen eye to eye on this and have fought about it often.  Recently we decided that we needed to figure out a way to accept each other’s differences on this.  Now we laugh at my piles, and I try to have less piles.  My husband has learned to help me with my piles!

            I loved Gottman’s chapter on solving our solvable problems.  Having good steps to resolving conflicts is a great tool.  Gottman entailed five steps as a model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship.  The steps are as follows:  1. Soften your start-up, 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts, 3. Soothe yourself and each other, 4. Compromise, and 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.  I think the one I need to work on the most is soft start-ups.  I tend to get heated rather quickly, and when it starts heated it escalates even quicker.  Keeping criticism and contempt out of the start-up is necessary and difficult at times.  I tried tonight to use a soft start-up.  I had a long day, and a stake meeting tonight.  I got home and the dinner was still on the table with all the crusty dishes.  I wanted to go upstairs and yell at my husband.  Instead I calmly walked upstairs and asked my husband if he night went ok.  He said no, the kids were upset and he had two emergency work calls he had to deal with.  He then apologized for not getting to the dinner dishes.  I felt so much better.  This soft start-up really works!

            We are all going to have conflicts in our relationships.  Learning how to handle them is definitely the key!